Weekend Update Scores With Jeremy Culhane’s Tucker Carlson Trashing The Met Gala; Mikey Day & Marcello Hernández As Kamikaze Dolphins

Pitching his voice up ever so slightly and interspersing his diatribes with ridiculous titters, the featured player bemoaned everyone from Dwayne Johnson opting to wear a skirt (“You smell what the Rock is cooking? ‘Cause I do. It’s gender confusion.”) to Madonna donning a “pirate ship” on her head as part of her outfit (“And I have to be attracted to this?”).

“A night of fashion and fun. Huh?! Really? Yes, c’mon everybody, let’s all prance around in our $100,000 clown outfits and watch the American empire crumble,” he said.

Of Heidi Klum’s transformation into a Grecian marble statue, he derided: “The left has finally got what they’ve always wanted. They put the Statue of Liberty in a burka.” Of A$AP Rocky’s outfit, he noted the musician was wearing “my least favorite color” — the rapper was wearing pink — “African American.”

What’s next, he parodied, “Does the Chrysler Building become the ‘Anti-Christ-ler’ building?”

“What are we doing? What’s going on?” he intoned, once again devolving into high-pitched giggles.

Turning his attention to the Michael biopic and star Jaafar Jackson, Culhane-as-Carlson lamented, “The movie ends in 1988, so obviously they avoided something serious that needs to be acknowledged. The part of Michael Jackson’s life no one wants to talk about anymore. Of course, I’m talking about the part where he was a white man. Sorry kids, Michael Jackson doesn’t get to live a beautiful white life anymore. Huh? Who does that remind me of? Oh, that’s right, all of us.”

The kicker was a sponsored message for a fake product: “You wanna eat bananas without looking gay? Try round bananas.”

Elsewhere, the desk also repeated the success of the Mikey Day and Marcello Hernández pairing (from the same weekend as Culhane’s first Carlson impersonation: Red Heart and AERIAL TRAMWAY). This time around, the duo dressed up as two “kamikaze dolphins,” their bit replete with oceanic puns.

“I had hit reef bottom, and my life had no porpoise,” said Hernández’s mammal of why he joined the military.

There’s not a lot of options for dolphins who don’t want to go to Sea World, and Day maintained that if they do a good job, they’ll be “rewarded with 72 sturgeons” in heaven.

A bonus was Hernández once again breaking opposite Day, and Colin Jost mentioning his “huge financial drain” of a ferry.