An emergency motion by Alex Jones didn’t stop The Onion from turning over control of the new InfoWars to Tim Heidecker, who made his debut as host and creative director on Friday via a surprise livestream.
“Lot of turmoil the past couple days on our road to total victory. We have just won a major battle, folks. Alex and his gang of liars and scoundrels have been cast out into the street, they have lost InfoWars, InfoWars.com, and their various platforms,” Heidecker said in his pitch perfect Alex Jones impression.
“They have been cast out, ladies and gentlemen, and make no mistake, we will be the new InfoWars. Now we got to go through the machinations of the court, we’ve had some setbacks over past couple days, but that is not stopping us, that is not tempering our resolve. Over the next couple days or weeks, you will see much more coming out of this.”
Mocking Jones’ own celebration of the Texas court decision, Heidecker added, “This is merely a distraction by the courts. We knew this was gonna be coming, we prepared for it, we are continuing the fight. We have never been more resolved to seek restitution and justice for the Sandy Hook families.”
Heidecker-as-Jones then broke into the InfoWars-mocking portion of the livestream, including an announcement about a pending alliance “between Satan and God himself,” with Heidecker later celebrating the partnership by drinking “human blood curated from the forsaken.”
“President Donald Trump” then called in to congratulate Heidecker on taking over InfoWars. “We’re gonna have our disagreements, we’re gonna have our fights, but we love each other, and when we love, love can conquer all, as they say,” “Trump” said. “And they said it so well in Love Story and The Long Weekend, everyone remembers that movie with Debra Winger, and Legal Eagles, another great Debra Winger movie.”
Heidecker also pitched some of the new InfoWars products, including Piss-to-Gold, which turns urine into bullion. “We also consume gold on a daily basis just through breathing,” Heidecker said. “I don’t know how we get gold in, but we can get it out.”
“We’ve already won, folks. Alex Jones has been kicked off InfoWars; if you go to InfoWars.com right now, you’ll see it as a dead site,” Heidecker reiterated. “But we are not finishing, we are not done, we are continuing our resolve.”